Category Archives: My Sweet Boy

Whoa, Mama!

As I make my way through this journey called motherhood, so much has been revealed to me in three short months. It is everything I expected, and everything I didn’t expect, all at the same time. I love my little boy so much that it hurts; I have never experienced anything like it in my life. Oftentimes, when I’m holding him, I think of that line from Love, Actually, where Mark tells Juliet “to me, you are perfect”. That part of the movie always made me feel like someone was squeezing my heart, because it was so achingly beautiful, and now I really know how that feels. While it sounds all flowery and poetic, I’m not saying that every minute of every day has been perfect. Far from it, actually. It’s just that, no matter what happens, the tears (his AND mine), the spit-up, the diapers, and the all-too-often monotonous routine, at the end of each day, I am in awe about the kind of love I have for my son. A true unconditional love that supersedes any of the frustration that comes with being a first-time mom, and makes you excited (ok, maybe “excited” is the wrong word when you’re still waking up in the middle of the night…) to do it all over again the next day.

Up until very recently, I held on to a pretty big secret, as far as motherhood goes. It nagged at me on a daily basis, but I didn’t dare talk to anyone about it, for fear that I would be viewed as a bad mother. Like something was wrong with me, or that I wasn’t doing it “right”. This may come as a HUGE shock to those of you who know me, but I can be pretty tight-lipped and secretive, in terms of what’s going on with me. I will often reassure people that everything is “fine,” when that really isn’t actually the case. I don’t like other people to worry, or feel like they need to help me “fix” something. I know that I am an extremely capable person, so when something goes awry, or doesn’t go as planned, I feel the need to make it seem like everything is ok. And that is exactly what I had been doing for the last three months. When you’re pregnant, and after your baby is born, everyone tells you how wonderful and amazing it all is. And it is. Just not all the time. I was really struggling with the fact that there were times during the day that I did NOT find wonderful or amazing. I was getting stressed out, and would occasionally be brought to tears, because he was extra fussy, and nothing I was doing seemed to help. I started being plagued by guilt, because I was getting frustrated and wasn’t enjoying every single minute with him. Before he was born, I assumed that I would have some “down time” during the day, and I soon found out that this “down time” I was seeking was quite elusive. Apparently, newborns are quite demanding. Who knew?! 😉 In any case, I felt like I must be doing something very wrong, and it wasn’t until I opened up about it (“opened up” is code for “it started pouring out of me in the form of tired tears”) that I started to hear that I was not such an anomaly after all. Apparently, other moms DID get frustrated! They also had times during the day that they did NOT enjoy! You do now know how happy this made me, to find out that I really wasn’t that different after all.

It’s always so cathartic for me to admit things, as hard as it might be for me to get to that point. Once I overcame that, and let go of the pride associated with doing everything just right, I instantly became happier and felt like a much better mom. Hearing people’s “war stories” was so beneficial to me, and they let me know that I really am doing just fine. As I sit here, looking at my sweet little boy, I am unshowered (and very likely, have spit-up on my shirt), but my heart is so full, and I know that I am doing it just right.

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To My Little Man

After giving birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy almost two weeks ago, I have spent a lot of time thinking about how much he has changed my life in such a short period of time. Just as everyone told me, he has stirred up a love inside of me like I have never known. Though I loved him so much throughout my pregnancy, and we awaited his arrival with such excited anticipation, it doesn’t even come close to the magnitude of my feelings for him now that he’s here. If I kissed him a thousand times a day, it wouldn’t be enough. If I told him nothing but “I love you” all day long, it wouldn’t even come close to expressing the depth of my love for him. He is my world, and I feel like the luckiest person alive to have been given such an amazing gift. To me, he is perfect. He is perfect when he is smiling, he is perfect when he is crying. I am constantly in awe of him, and what a great impact he has had in such a short time. I love you, my sweet boy!

A Surprise Unlike Any Other

As most of you know, I am pregnant, and Frank and I (along with Josie and Merlin!) will be welcoming a little baby into our lives in November. For those of you who are already mothers, you will understand this completely, but up until 3 months ago, I didn’t have any idea that something like this even existed. The transformation that I have gone through (or the one that has just happened to me; I’m not really sure which!) is one that I never would have imagined could take place in such a short time.

Frank and I were VERY lucky in that we never really had to “try” to get pregnant. Over the past several years, we have had several friends who have had a very hard time getting pregnant, so we definitely didn’t take it for granted when it happened for us so quickly. Right away, we felt so blessed and fortunate that we were going to get to be parents to a sweet little boy or girl, and it was what happened next that really caught me by surprise. From the moment that I first saw the two lines on that pregnancy test, I was engulfed by a mixture of emotions that I have never felt before. It was a happiness, wonder, and fear deeper than I ever could have imagined, and I can say that, from that very moment, I was in love. Until that very moment, I don’t think I had thought about what it would be like to know that I was going to be somebody’s mom. I had always known that I would be a mom SOMEDAY, but that someday always seemed like a distant point in the future.

We have known that I was pregnant since March 24, and I can honestly say that not a day has gone by that I haven’t thanked God for this baby and how lucky we are. From that very day, I have felt a love that I have never experienced before, for this teeny tiny boy or girl that I haven’t even met yet. Each day, I find myself talking to him or her, or just rubbing my belly, as if to say “I’m thinking about you, little one, and I can’t wait to meet you!” I always thought that it was so cliché when people would say that having a child was the best and most amazing thing they had ever done, but now, I am a true believer, even though we haven’t even gotten to the best part yet! I have such an immense love for this little baby, and I am constantly amazed at the miracle that is occurring everyday, as he or she grows and develops. I cannot wait for the day when we can finally meet our baby and hold him or her in our arms. The depth of this love has overwhelmed and surprised me, and I just can’t wait to finally be THIS somebody’s mom.